What a hilarious, dead-on satire!

CHANG NOI: The thoughts of Chairman Maew
The Nation (Thailand)
Published on Dec 23, 2002

As we approach the second anniversary of the Great Victorious Election, we can be proud of our achievements. We have made great strides in the economic war. But many people still lack proper political education.

As I said earlier this year, "I have a very good knowledge of democratic philosophy, so anyone who knows less please refrain from talking too much."

In my recent speeches, I have quoted the social-contract theory of the great Lu So and the bureaucracy theory of Wei Bue. Let me outline to you the "Three Represents" which clarify the role of the Party of Love in the march to an ever glorious future.

Represent 1: The Party of Love always represents the interests of the people.

In the past we believed that democracy meant government of the ruling party, by the ruling party, for the ruling party.

But at the Grand Plenum of Asian Cadres, I said: "Many authorities are often under the delusion that what is best for themselves is best for the country. Rather, it has to be the reverse that is correct: only what is best for the country will be best for themselves." I have made the astounding discovery that democracy is government for the people!

I also said: "I believe that political parties in every country should not attach undue importance to who is in government and who is in opposition." Some people have wondered then why I spent so much money on forming a new party and getting elected. That is because only the Party of Love represents the people.

Therefore opposition to the Party of Love is opposition to the people! Yet "those in opposition try their utmost to topple the government and assume power themselves. Such adversarial politics may not be in the best interest of the people. On the contrary it may be a betrayal of our social contract to the people."

May the Party of Love govern for ever!

Represent 2: The Party of Love always represents the poor.

Some backward people wonder how a party of the rich can represent the poor. But such backward people do not understand the mystery of capital.

As I have said, "From now on, every inch of land in the country must be utilised, or the owners will have to pay heavy taxes." Some people have pointed out that just 17 members of my Cabinet together own 2,145 plots of land worth Bt2.6 billion. Why would a government of land speculators want to tax and redistribute land?

Such critics are using logic and common sense which is outdated in this age of holistic thinking, genome coding, fuzzy networks and chaos theory.

Everything the Party of Love does is new, so history and logic are no longer useful. I am fortunate to have a brain which works very fast. I'm always writing notes to my ministers. "If my ministers had done everything I had instructed them to, poverty would almost have disappeared already."

Represent 3: The Party of Love represents the people so well that no other representation is needed.

Some people like to talk about checks and balances. But in fact such things are just checks - hindrances to the Party of Love fulfilling its historic role.

For instance, the so-called "independent bodies" under the Constitution. What use are they?

"At present we're spending an annual Bt3 billion on independent bodies. If they become antagonistic, I think even Bt1 would be expensive."

As we now control the Senate, which oversees many of these bodies, the future should be brighter.

Then there are the "pseudo-intellectuals" known as academics. "A lot of people feel like heroes when having a go at someone with their outdated opinions." These academics should spend all their time in libraries, updating themselves.

Then there is the press. "No constructive criticism has been written. The press enjoys conflict issues. Sometimes a section of the press may have a hidden agenda. They were not happy even when I was in business, because they asked me for sponsorship that I did not give them. They are attacking unfairly."

Then there are the NGOs. "They record their rallies on video and send the tapes overseas to get financial support." Some NGOs claim they represent the poor. This is more outdated thinking. Only the Party of Love can represent the poor.

Even within the party, there are some problems. "Certain MPs make wild accusations and unconstructive comments which affect the party's image."

These accusations are about corruption. But as we have shown repeatedly, corruption is only carried out by officials, not by members of the Party of Love.

Some people have even hired taxi-drivers to gossip about me. "This devilish practice and the distribution of leaflets with bad rumours are not good for the country."

Any attack on me is an attack on the Party of Love, and by definition an attack on the people and thus on the country too.

Then there is the so-called Democrat party, in reality the craven Ju-an/Ah-Si clique of running dogs. As I said after the no-confidence debate, "The Democrats didn't do it in the country's interests." That is obvious from the first principle that only the party of Love acts in the interest of the people.

Once everyone properly understands the beautiful wisdom of the Three Represents, then the country will enjoy tranquillity and progress. Eternal peace will reign over both the Palace of the Blooming Lotus and the Palace of Cool Water.

The universities will be blessed with silence and will not even write reports for ministers to ignore. Press and TV will produce only "constructive news" praising the achievements of the government. NGOs will disappear. The poor will stay at home. And the Ju-an/Ah-Si clique will be annihilated at the Second Victorious Election. Forward!

CHANG NOI

Chang Noi is a pseudonym